As we’ve discussed, I’m a blue dot in an ocean of red. I’ve always lived this way. I grew up in rural Texas, attended college in a city with three evangelical universities, and chose to spend the rest of my days in rural Montana.
I love it here. Montana is a symphony for the senses. Right now I’m watching horses graze in the pasture right outside my front window. Green grass. Snowcapped mountains. Blooming lilac bushes. This is the very best Montana has to offer. I joke to my husband that if he ever decides to move, he has to tell the new owners that the house comes with a Tiffany. I’m never leaving.
But living here does have its downsides. Feeling like the pariah at every parenting function is hard. I don’t hide or shrink from controversy, and when someone expresses an opinion that is grossly ill-informed or downright dehumanizing, I stand up. By now I’m a known quantity at my local school board meetings. When the board of trustees tried to ban the school’s Gay Straight Alliance, some friends and I stood up against it, and when we won, we decided to celebrate with a Queer Prom that allowed our students to go to prom as their authentic selves.
One time, I was asked to step down from a leadership role in my local chapter of Moms of Preschoolers because I wouldn’t say that I believe gay people are going to hell. My leadership had been exemplary, they explained. My beliefs on the other hand…
“So you’re telling me I’m disqualified as a leader because I will love your children regardless of who they become or who they love? I’m pretty sure that makes me more qualified to influence them than you!”
(I want to make it clear that this wasn’t the position of MomCo International, but the small group of leaders in my community. I’m not sure whether MomCo is LGBTQ+ affirming, and if you’re in a group that is more inclusive than what I experienced, I’m happy for you.)
As hard as it is to stand up against Christian nationalist extremism and the MAGA mentality, staying silent would cost me more. I can sacrifice leadership positions, likability, and my standing in the community. I can’t sacrifice myself or my values.
Yesterday, I was talking my daughter’s friend’s mother. Okay, we were trading Instagram messages. That counts as talking these days.
Her: “Oh, NOW Joe Biden wants immigration reform? After letting illegals pour into the country his whole presidency? He’s just doing this because it’s an election year. That asshole needs to go take a nap.”
Me: “Actually, Biden has been asking Congress to put an immigration reform bill on his desk for a while now. Republicans and Democrats worked together to create the Bipartisan Border Bill back in February, but Trump tanked it with one Truth Social post. He actually said he wants to be blamed for it falling apart because he’s planning to campaign on border chaos. It happened again in May. If you’re angry nothing is being done, blame him.”
Her: “The border was secure under Trump! This is all Biden’s fault! This will affect our children!”
Me: “No, immigration reform and border security has been insufficient for decades. Both Republican and Democratic presidents haven’t done enough. Biden’s bill is exactly what Republicans asked for. It’s a step in the right direction. Which is more than I can say for any of the Republicans who voted against it. If our children’s security is so important, why aren’t you upset that Trump is playing political football with it?”
Her: “Politics have always been a game. He’s just playing the game! The border bill was blocked by both parties.”
Me: “No, the majority of Democratic Senators voted to advance the bill in February. Republicans tanked it — even the ones who authored it themselves. I’m happy to send sources and look at whatever you have if you’d like. I’m open minded, but I do follow this stuff pretty closely.”
Her: “I don’t really care about politics! I just care about common sense, and that’s not so common these days.”
Me: “You must be relieved then that Biden is doing what Republicans asked for by signing an executive order that will help secure the border.”
Her: “My opinion is that Biden is the worst president in the history of presidents”
SOMEHOW I STOPPED MYSELF FROM SAYING THAT AT LEAST HE DOESN’T HAVE 34 CONVICTIONS.
Me: “Okay. I’m not asking you to love Biden. I’m saying that ultimately all of us know that our immigration system is lacking and needed some reforms. I’m a Democrat and agree with you that people should immigrate here legally. The problem is two-fold: Because of our backlog and outdated systems of immigration, there isn’t much of a path to citizenship for people to do that. And second, politicians who use these human beings as political pawns and call them things like “vermin” don’t actually care about whether or not people CAN legally come to the United States. They are using dehumanization to animate people’s fear and hatred so they can garner votes. That’s it. We don’t have to let them do that to us.
Her: “You and I both know we aren’t changing anyone’s views here. I hate politics and don’t consider myself part of any political party. I appreciate your passion but we will have to agree to disagree.”
Me: “I think it’s so great that you’re not tied to one party or the other. Politics isn’t a dirty word. It’s how we shape the world around us. Politics badly needs our informed participation. That’s why I work hard to stay informed. I wouldn’t want someone exploiting my emotions and outrage by lying to me.”
HINT HINT
Her: “Well, good for you. I can still like or dislike whoever I want.”
Me: “Yes, you can.”
Her: “UPS just delivered my new Trump flag, so I gotta go hang it up. Take care.”
I edited this conversation down for brevity and to remove any identifiers, but that last part happened exactly as stated. And I will be honest. I felt rage coursing through my body like lava. I wanted to scream at her, “DO YOU KNOW WHAT TRUMP HAS IN STORE FOR OUR CHILDREN!?”
Then it occurred to me: My kids haven't known a world without the disease of Trumpism. My kids go to school every day with kids whose parents think exactly like this. What does that mean for their futures?
I wanted to say: “Do you know what Project 2025 spells out for them and their futures? Project 2025 wants to eliminate child labor laws AND completely restrict the right to an abortion under any circumstances. So the person you want to be president believes our pre-teen daughters aren’t too young to go work in a factory or give birth if they are raped. PAY ATTENTION! I’m trying to keep our daughters from becoming Handmaids over here!”
Instead, I took a deep breath, closed the Instagram app, and went outside to breath the sweet, floral Montana air. I’ll save that conversation for another day, another audience.
Onward, Democracy Defenders!
I hear you, Tiffany. Keep up the good work, fight the good fight, and remain true to your values, speaking truth to power. It's so maddening and disconcerting that there are so many voters like this in our country. You clearly have the patience of a saint!
You are where you are supposed to be and doing important work. Keep it up!
As for your "dot" I like the concept of many drops make the ocean. Be a drop/dot!