A Message for Liberal Men

What Male Allyship Looks Like Right Now

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Before we get into it, I want to highlight another writer covering the behemoth that is Project 2025. Ellie Leonard’s writing is analytical and straightforward, and when it comes to understanding the horrors the next administration will bring, you can’t be too prepared. Go read her post Project 2025 — The Whole Story and give her a follow.

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Photo courtesy of Monique Tallon

Dear Liberal Men,

First, thank you. Thank you for voting for a woman with experience, vision, and integrity. Thank you for voting against a sexual predator who bragged about grabbing us by the pussy and started the chain of events that eliminated 50 years of protections and put our lives at risk.

Thank you for not being the kind of men who inspire commercials like this one:

This election hinged on women understanding that their vote — their voice — is sacrosanct and not something their husbands or partners couldn’t control. Conservative white women needed to comprehend this more than anyone because a conservative’s family structure is more authoritarian and hierarchal than most liberals. In many evangelical churches, the male headship hierarchy is explicitly stated, and sometimes literally illustrated through a graphic featuring four umbrellas that teach the biblical order of the family. The umbrella on top is the largest. This is meant to represent Christ. Underneath it is the second, slightly smaller umbrella. It represents the husband, whose job it is to protect, lead, and provide for the family. The third, smaller umbrella is the wife, who is supposed to comfort, nurture, and teach. The smallest umbrella is for the children, who are to love and obey the parents.

I don’t think I need to tell you that this is not how umbrellas are supposed to work. Yet millions of Christian families structure their lives this way. These commercials needed to remind wives that while they may abdicate their decision-making responsibilities to their husbands in their home, they don’t have to do it in their vote.

I don’t think the message broke through though: 53 percent of white women voted for Trump.

At any rate, that’s on them, not on you, Male Allies. Thank you for all the ways you stand up for women — at work, at guy’s night, at the game, and at the ballot box.

Now a warning: Be careful when asking for women's emotional labor right now. The women I've talked to this past few week are worrying about things that have probably never even occurred to you: How long we will have access to birth control; whether we're willing to risk dying in pregnancy; how to protect our daughters; if men are even worth it anymore.

My friend and her husband run a successful small business in our city. While he handles the day-to-day operations of the business, she does most of the hiring and firing, the warehouse inventory, and the financial upkeep. She’s a numbers person, he’s a people person. It just works out. She darkly joked, “Do you think they’ll let me keep my name on mine and Mark’s bank account and credit cards through the end of the year? When does he start owning me?”

Some women aren’t joking.

There’s rumblings online among single women inspired by South Korea’s 4B movement to deny men dating, sexual relationships, marriage, and childbirth. Bi means not in Korean.

“Interest in the 4B movement has surged in the days since the election, with Google searches spiking and the hashtag taking off on social media. Scores of young women are exploring and promoting the idea in posts on platforms like TikTok and X,” according to NPR.

“It’s time to close off your wombs to males,” said one viral online post. “This election proves now more than ever that they hate us & hate us proudly. Do not reward them.”

Other women are going so far as to shave their heads to make themselves as sexually unappealing as possible to rebuff men.

Liberal Men: If you’re not sure how to respond to this, don’t get defensive, don’t try to change women’s minds, and please don’t try to talk them out of it. Among the long list of things women don’t owe you right now: Sex, marriage, or a willingness to put our bodies at risk in childbirth in a country that is openly hostile toward us.

Take this advice from writer Brian Recker: “I’m no relationship expert but fellas have you tried unequivocally denouncing the bad men saying “your body my choice” and letting the women in your life know that they’re safe with you be condemning toxic misogyny whenever you see it.”

We’re terrified for our democracy AND our bodies. We don’t believe for a second this country is safe for us and our daughters when it has proven time and time again that it would rather watch us die for other people’s political ideologies than care for us.

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Small aside: Every time I write about men, my mother-in-law worries people will interpret my words as a passive-aggressive dig at my husband, which is silly for two reasons: First of all, I'm not passive aggressive, I'm regular aggressive. Second, my husband is the most perfect male specimen God ever created: Tall, dark, and handsome. My husband is a bearded mountain man. Literally, we live in the mountains. Plus, he looks good in flannel. He is a 6-foot-6-inch LAWYER, so please come at me. Watching him mess you up would be amusing fodder for our weekly date nights.

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One more thing, Liberal Men: Don’t bring your confusion and fear to our door. Don’t ask us for election explanations or analysis. If we offer them to you, great! But don’t expect us to fix it in some way. Don’t make women to carry water for you or comfort you or help you feel better about a political outcome that threatens our very lives. If you’re distraught, which is understandable, do what women have done for all of time: Build social networks and invest in community. And if that doesn’t work, there’s always therapy.

Ask nothing of us other than how we take our coffee.

Onward, Democracy Defenders!