Getting My 9-Year-Old to Brush Her Teeth as if I’m Asking for a Campaign Donation
These text messages are getting desperate
Cora,
This is your parents. We checked our records and see that you haven’t brushed your teeth yet.
If you, like us, are tired of the chaos, don’t worry. Now is the perfect time to brush your teeth. In the past, brushing your teeth was only available to the wealthy elite. But because of the work of Democrats and dental hygienists everywhere, brushing your teeth is available to everyone.
Help us continue the fight by brushing your teeth.
***
This is incredible! If you brush your teeth, you’ll help ensure a lifetime of healthy teeth and gums. To help you make a decision to brush your teeth RIGHT NOW, we’re offering a one-time offer of a popsicle after dinner tomorrow.
Please. Brushing your teeth will never have a greater impact than this moment.
***
Barack Obama just emailed to say he wants you to brush your teeth. He didn’t spend years fighting Republicans to pass the ACA only to have you ruin your oral health with cavities. We’re asking you personally to rush into the bathroom and brush your teeth.
The stakes are incredibly high. Will you brush your teeth for Barack Obama?
***
NOW: It’s never been more clear that not brushing your teeth isn’t working.
Will you rush into the bathroom, place toothpaste on your toothbrush, put the toothbrush in your mouth, and move it around in a swirly motion for at least two minutes?
With control of your mouth at stake, it’s essential you don’t delay brushing your teeth.
***
We’re livid. The cavities are trying to take control, and we just learned you STILL have not brushed your teeth. The cavities have made it clear that if they had their way, you wouldn’t even have teeth. It’s CRITICAL that you brush your teeth while you still can.
If you take this historic step, it will send a message to cavities that you WIN and they LOSE.
That’s why we’re upping the ante. Forget the popsicle. We will take you out for ice cream tomorrow. But only if you brush your teeth RIGHT NOW!
***
We see that you still haven’t brushed your teeth. Well, we have great news. Your grandmother just called to tell us that she MATCHED OUR OFFER, and will buy you a toy. But only if you ACT NOW.
This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity that definitely won’t be around when we reach out to you again in 10 minutes.
***
Please.
***
Cora,
Why haven’t you brushed your teeth yet? This is shaping up to be one of the most critical times to brush your teeth in our lifetime. Don’t delay.
***
Cora,
This is Rep. Jamie Raskin. In my home state of Maryland, some children didn’t have the opportunity to brush their teeth. That’s why I got into politics, to ensure every child from every corner of the United States had healthy teeth and gums.
But it hasn’t been easy, and I need you to help fight. If you let cavities into the House, you’ll regret it for the rest of your life.
Think of all the smiles when you send a message that cavities aren’t welcome.
Text STOP to quit