A Follow Up Address to the Women of Benedictine College by Isabelle Butker
Harrison Butker’s wife returns to clear the air
Illustrious female graduates of Benedictine College,
Thank you for reassembling here today. I realized that my husband left off some key details about my vocation that I would like to share with you.
Truth be told, when I met Harrison, I did not know I was on track to become a homemaker. Before I laid eyes on him for the first time in band class, I wanted to be a professional saxophone player. Thank goodness he saved me from a lifetime of entertaining strangers through music. I no longer idolize that godless Lisa Simpson. Now I have more spiritual role models — like Marjorie Taylor Greene and Lauren Boebert.
Homemaker is actually a very difficult vocation. I am in charge of the household, which is hard because my husband makes $4 million dollars a year kicking a ball, so our house is very large. There’s so much to clean: The theater room. The sauna. The tennis courts. The pool house. At least that’s what Theresa tells me.
I don’t know how she does it. No, really, I literally don’t. Theresa has been with us from the beginning. Her vocation is kind of like a homemaker. She’s a housekeeper. The other day a traffic jam kept Theresa from picking up our little guy from pre-school on time. She called to ask if I could pick him up instead.
“I can’t Theresa, I am making the home. Plus, I don’t know where his pre-school is. And don’t forget to pick up Harrison’s football jersey from the dry cleaners.”
See what I mean? It’s HARD, okay? I actually wish I went to college, so I could learn how to do some of this stuff. But Harrison said I couldn’t because I might find myself alone in an elevator with a man, and that would violate the Billy Graham Rule.
I am such a dedicated homemaker, I almost never leave our 9-bedroom mansion. My hair stylist, nail tech, masseuse, personal trainer, and aesthetician all come to me.
One time, some of the other football players’ wives started a childcare pool, so they could watch their husbands play from the stadium. They asked me if I wanted to join, but I said no. Maybe they didn’t know a woman’s place is in the home.
I would like to watch the Chiefs play, but Harrison says football stadiums are places for men. The kitchen is a place for women. Apparently our children’s bedrooms, the dining room, the study, and our bedroom are also places for women, since Harrison never goes in there.
You’ll be surprised to learn that I do occasionally leave the house — like when I go to my weekly Tradwives Club. It sort of reminds me of a college sorority except with fewer pledges and parties and more prayers and peasant dresses. Every week we learn the latest sourdough techniques. I bring Theresa so she can keep up with the trends.
Now I would like to address some of the things I’ve seen online this past week. Many people are angry with my poor Harrison because he told a room full of female graduates their efforts to attain degrees were worthless. You can’t be too mad at him. He is a product of his environment. And by that I mean, he suffers from CTE.
Besides, he’s right. If you have to get a job because your husband doesn’t make $4 million a year, just make sure you can still do all the things a homemaker would do. It’s like Katie Britt says: “toss and turn at 2 a.m. wondering how to be three places at once and still get dinner the table.” Your husband cannot be expected to download Pinterest and search for recipes. That’s a woman’s job.
I’m so glad you’ve given me the time to come here today to clear this up. As you can see, I’ve set up a table at the back where I will be signing my new cookbook, The Sour Doe: Recipes for Lonely Women Who Never Leave Their Homes. Ghost written by Theresa.